My Radical Life

I have been reading Crazy Love, by Frances Chan. While I always hesitate to say that a book (besides the Bible) has "changed my life" ...this one kinna has. At least, it has drastically changed my perspective of my life.

If you have read it, then you know what I mean when I say that chapter 4 really put the brakes on my own view of myself being where I needed to be.  It is about being lukewarm (Rev 3:15), which I would have said before reading it, did not apply to me. I dont say that in a purposefully prideful way, but I felt like I dont just go to church. I love God, I genuinely seek to please him by being the wife, mother and child of God I feel he is calling me to.

I was surprised, honestly, to be slapped around so much :)

It has really produced a flood of awareness for me. I have really been in a place the last couple of weeks where I am pondering my own commitment to God, my motivations for the things I do, and what I am willing to give up in order to love Him like I should.

If I am going to be a non-lukewarm Christian, then I need to be willing to give up ...anything, everything for the life that is based on a "crazy love."  I need to be willing to step away from my place of comfort, even as a Christian, and live a life that is radical ...like the kind of radical I was when I was first falling in love with Adrian. I would do things that didnt make ANY sense in order to be with him. I would push the rules (curfew at a Christian college ..not to be trifled with), I would give up study time (I was a nerd, this was something people!), I would break the rules outright (yes, I would go into his house off campus ..I confess.) ..I really did things that were different than my normal personality and even my comfort zone sometimes because I wanted to be with him.

I havent been that way with God, despite my loving him and being taught to love and follow him my whole life.  It wasnt that I didnt love him, but I know that I wasnt in love with him.  At least, not enough to launch me past that "lukewarm" phase.

I feel like I am there. I feel like I genuinely am learning to love and be in love God, and am seeking to live a life for him instead of me. One part is asking myself, with honesty ...how do you want me to love you? what radical thing do you need from me? what do you want me to give up so I can do that?

Adrian and I are at a place right now, not by mistake I am sure, that we are facing changes with his job, his school and kinda at a place where we could either be resting in peace or in a ball of panic. We are being faced with the possibilities of my need to back to work full time, and perhaps giving up my being a stay at home mom for sake of a comfortable budget.  It is a place ripe for asking if we have faith in God, and what exactly we are to be doing for Him.

It has produced some very honest reflection, and heart searching. It has been created some moments where I saw God working in lives like never before, and where I can say in all honesty ...this is my radical life.

I feel so affirmed to that fact right now. I could go back to work full-time ...they are always looking for nurses where I work part-time, they would love to have me. I could put Ty in school, he would do fine.  Josh wont shrivel up and die if I put him on formula. Our budget would be more comfortable, we could keep the security of health insurance, and savings.

But, in the midst of these possibilities, I feel like God is calling me to this radical life, right here, right now.

The most potent lines to me in the chapter I referred to before, are when Chan challenged that "lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to. They dont have to trust God if something unexpected happens ...they have their savings account."  ...."They dont depend on God on a daily basis - their refrigerators are full and, for the most part they are good health. The truth is, their lives wouldnt look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God."  (pg 78)


Like never before, I have been faced with the question ...what are you willing to give up to live the life I want you to live? What will do you so that you are living your life for me, and not for yourself? What will you deny to follow me?

It has been a life-changing question, that has brought about some serious perspective changes in me.

I have so much more to say, but this post is getting long .. I will start another post :)