For REAL?

First, this is long but I gotta get it out of my system (I wont know if you dont read it all).

Okay, so I got this article about a year ago, and I have to tell you that I think that it comes to mind about once a day. I still laugh at the ignorance, and have more than 10,000 times fashioned my own responses to this imbecile...

So read the question posted to a column in the Washington Post last year about this time (this is really good...).

Okay. I've done Internet searches, I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners . . . I do all those things, too, and I don't do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events) and I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy -- not a bad thing at all -- but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? ...What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.

Uh. Seriously?

I get riled up just reading it again. I had depended on memory to feed my constant "let me TELL you what stay at home moms do all day!" feelings..rereading it makes it even better! :)

Now, I have to give a few kudos to Carolyn Hax, who answered this chic's question with an initial, "I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard "

However, I felt she fell alittle short in giving us enough credit, and making this chic look stupid enough.

So, I feel the need to respond..I CAN STAY SILENT NO MORE!

First, to be clear for my kid-free friends - this girls fault is not that she asks the question (indeed, I pondered the same thing in my pre-child status) but that she is so hateful about in reference to her friend, even accusing her of lying and being oblivious enough to think that having kids is just "an excuse to relax and enjoy"!

Where, oh where to begin?

I shall use her example of errand running and demonstrate with a little story of my own.

So, I had three packages the other day to mail. I got the post office (I HATE going to the PO), and began the figuring of HOW I was supposed to juggle two VERY busy boys, three packages, the wallet/keys, crossing the busy parking lot, opening the door. Okay, I came prepared with the wagon. Great idea (imagine the eye roll).

So, wagon, Canon squished between two boxes and I still am holding Ty's hand. We get out of the car and into the PO ..we are in the door. Only 1/3 the battle.

So, there is a line but I am gonna use the self-serve-mail-your-own-package thing, right? So, I pull the wagon into PO, the entire line of people staring and feeling sorry for me (they seemed to sense what was coming) I go the machine and discover that my boxes have "markings besides those of the United Postal Service."

Okay, great. So, they are nice enough to suggest that you BLACK out all the markings that are present that arent theirs. Great. ALL my boxes are reused from other stuff so they all have markings on them. But..do they OFFER they sharpie to black it out with ..of course! But, its on the other side of the PO, through the staring crowd of onlookers. AND, they charge you a crazy amount for it and make it REALLY sharp so you spend an hour marking everything out.. but they do offer it. WHILE I am marking out the two packages that I can do this to, the kids have been in the wagon for 5 minutes and they are done.

Canon, my angel baby, was screaming, throwing a fit, hitting Ty, attempting to escape the wagon. Ty was screaming that Canon was hitting him, crying that he didnt want to sit in the wagon, trying to get out, etc. All, while our audience stared in silence at our chaos.

I got the two packages ready, but with BOTH kids in the wagon now I couldnt haul ALL the boxes back ACROSS the PO to the mail machine again. So, I had get Ty out (kicking and screaming, cause now he wants to stay in the wagon)..put my foot on Canon's chest to keep him in, cram the boxes back in the wagon and cut BACK through the people to other side. Hauling a reluctant Ty behind.

Meanwhile, I took a corner too close and smashed Canon's little fingers against wall. More screaming. More blank stares. Silence, except for the screaming kids.

I get up to the mail machine, mail the packages I could mark out the right way. And left..KNOWING that I had to come back after I found ANOTHER box for the other package.

Oh, and I accidentally stole the Sharpie marker (I asked God, and He said it was okay, for goodness sake dont go back in there!).

Yeah. I bet kid-free chic up there would have walked and out in 5 minutes...if THAT?!


***INTERMISSION: feel free to go get a drink, a snack and come back to finish the rest..we will wait....Okay...*****


Another thing I am sure Kid Free Chic (KFC..we will call her from now on) also makes her bed EVERY DAY and washes her sheets once a week. And, I bet it takes her a leisurely 3 minutes to do it.

Well, add KIDS to the mix...you get this:

Take the sheets off the bed
Kids think this is fun thing, so run off with the sheets while Im taking the pillow cases off
Collect the sheets again.
Go to the the laundry room to wash.
Get nothing done during the time they are washing
Then return to move sheets to the dryer
Put in one handful of wet sheets, go back for more
Meanwhile, Canon cleans out the lint trap (its in the door and little too accessible for little hands) INTO the wet sheets.
Clean OUT the wet lint from the dryer and go back for another handful.
Meanwhile, Canon shuts the dryer door.
Move him OUT of the way, open the dryer door and proceed.
Go for another handful, and Canon repeats the aforementioned action
Move him FURTHER out the way and complete the shift of laundry.
Meanwhile, Canon has been behind my back getting into the cat litter and putting that on the DRY, still dirty laundry. At least he didnt put that in the dryer.

Once the laundry is dry, there is still much to be done.

Bring the sheets into the bedroom.
Dog and children pile on
Get the kids off the sheets, and start to put the first sheet back on the bed.
Canon climbs on the bed while putting the sheet on - I must pull him off.
Meanwhile, Ty has taken off with the other sheet which I must go retrieve before proceeding
Upon return to the bedroom, the dog has gotten underneath the sheet I did make and must be removed.
Second sheet put on, while kids are running off with the blankets and comforter.
While retrieving it, the dog gets in the bed again, undoing the straightness of the sheets already placed
Finish putting the sheets, and blankets on the bed again fighting dog and children
Retrieve the pillows from the backyard, and tub
Empty the toys out of the pillowcases which have been stolen somewhere in the process
Put BACK on the dirty pillowcase that I dropped in the hallway and didnt realize until after the rest of the linens are clean.
Meanwhile, Canon has emptied my underwear and lingerie drawers onto the floor
As I clean that up he is in the closet emptying the laundry hamper...

But I digress...

Finally. The bed is made. KFC was done 1.5 hours ago.

Dont even get me STARTED on how Canon takes out every dish I put IN the dishwasher, how half my clean dishes are in the backyard, how I literally have to find my mixing bowls before cooking anything.

Or, how putting kids IN the car takes 1/2 and hour to KFC's 30 seconds. Or, the getting the kids OUT of the car which takes at least the 1/2 hour.

I bet KFC doesnt fold 75 pieces of little clothing with every load of laundry..OR that she does do her one load of laundry every three days. If I wait three days, Mount Laundrymore has taken over.

I bet KFC doesnt have to ponder anyones toileting habits besides her own, nor is she responsible for cleaning up after anyones toileting habits but her own

I bet she can eat what she wants, when she wants and doenst even know that Goldfish do anything besides swim in a bowl.

I bet her grocery shopping doesnt include screaming children, choosing the right cart with the right amount of steering wheels or stressing over which color juice we need today.

I bet she gets to potty, eat, shop, drive, shower, dress, cook, clean BY HERSELF ...cutting my time in 1/25th.

Seriously, this chic needs a kick in the head and her little poor mama friend needs a hug and better friends!

Oh, and note to my friends who are kid free..I know how to pick friends, and you are mine cause you are not as oblivious as KFC.

Thanks, I needed that.

Whew.

This is the first step in de-stressing my life..get stuff off my chest! :)