I must confess, in all seriousness, that Ethan's death has really churned up some feelings in me that I dont understand.
I know alot of them have to do with my brothers death, and my feeling for Becky and Ben in their general cloud of grief (meaning, i dont pretend to understand all the feelings that come with their loss of a child, a second child, or their 14 month struggle with his disease).
Also, I know that my faith is not shaken, but I still feel my heart questioning how God works..how can 5 million people pray for something and them not be answered? Then again, I know I prayed many times for "healing". Simply, that.
I think alot of our feelings of let down after such prayers go "unheard" are our misunderstanding of how God answers them. As a friend and fellow sister has recently reminded me, sometimes death is the ultimate healing.
So many prayers, and yet I think God may have answered all of them, if not the way we had intended for Him to.
Still, I find myself in a place where I really ponder what prayer means, and what effect it has on what God has planned for us? This is not in a lack of faith way, or in a cynical way. Only, how does it really work? What part does our faith play, and to what degree does God consider these prayers in His plans?
I believe we dont use the power of prayer enough. Then, how powerful is it? Then, if I dont pray does he chose to not act in that area? Or, what happens when I, or others, pray "without doubt" that he will answer it that way, and he doesnt? Does my faith really have effect on what he choses to do?
I know that we shouldnt be so arrogent to think that it was our prayers, or lack of that brought Ethan as far as he came. Or, that we should blame ourselves for our lack of faith because he didnt live. But, believing that, what role DOES prayer and faith really play?
So many things I dont understand.
Meanwhile, I feel that I must keep praying, with faith that His will WILL reign supreme and that he will give me the strength to accept whatever the answer may be.
Such thoughts, such feelings. I dont think God let anyone down here, as it relates to Ethan. But, I worry that there are those who will feel that way. I pray for them. And for Ben and Becky as they surely will question their own faith along the journey of grief.
I will pray, with faith, that God will protect their hearts and bring them to a place where their pain is something cherish because it means they loved Ethan so much. His little life, and the fact that his parents were willing to share it us is a blessing in itself.
God, take care of the Powells. Comfort their hearts.
And, if you dont mind, will you introduce Dustin and Ethan? I think they would get along well.
I know alot of them have to do with my brothers death, and my feeling for Becky and Ben in their general cloud of grief (meaning, i dont pretend to understand all the feelings that come with their loss of a child, a second child, or their 14 month struggle with his disease).
Also, I know that my faith is not shaken, but I still feel my heart questioning how God works..how can 5 million people pray for something and them not be answered? Then again, I know I prayed many times for "healing". Simply, that.
I think alot of our feelings of let down after such prayers go "unheard" are our misunderstanding of how God answers them. As a friend and fellow sister has recently reminded me, sometimes death is the ultimate healing.
So many prayers, and yet I think God may have answered all of them, if not the way we had intended for Him to.
Still, I find myself in a place where I really ponder what prayer means, and what effect it has on what God has planned for us? This is not in a lack of faith way, or in a cynical way. Only, how does it really work? What part does our faith play, and to what degree does God consider these prayers in His plans?
I believe we dont use the power of prayer enough. Then, how powerful is it? Then, if I dont pray does he chose to not act in that area? Or, what happens when I, or others, pray "without doubt" that he will answer it that way, and he doesnt? Does my faith really have effect on what he choses to do?
I know that we shouldnt be so arrogent to think that it was our prayers, or lack of that brought Ethan as far as he came. Or, that we should blame ourselves for our lack of faith because he didnt live. But, believing that, what role DOES prayer and faith really play?
So many things I dont understand.
Meanwhile, I feel that I must keep praying, with faith that His will WILL reign supreme and that he will give me the strength to accept whatever the answer may be.
Such thoughts, such feelings. I dont think God let anyone down here, as it relates to Ethan. But, I worry that there are those who will feel that way. I pray for them. And for Ben and Becky as they surely will question their own faith along the journey of grief.
I will pray, with faith, that God will protect their hearts and bring them to a place where their pain is something cherish because it means they loved Ethan so much. His little life, and the fact that his parents were willing to share it us is a blessing in itself.
God, take care of the Powells. Comfort their hearts.
And, if you dont mind, will you introduce Dustin and Ethan? I think they would get along well.
4 comments:
Court, I love your honesty. And I think we all have those thoughts. Have you ever heard the Christian Music song "Held" by Natalie Grant? It talks about how Gods promise was never to make things better for us or give us all we think we want but to hold us when its bad or we dont get what we want. Now, I understand what you wrote and I know that song does not answer your questions. But it may give some peace. If you have not heard it, you need to find it on the internet and listen to it!
LOVE YOU!
mel
I have to think sometimes that God's purpose for one person is so beyond my understanding or need to understand that our prayers can not change His mind, no matter how numerous. Prayer is powerful, we as God loving Christians know that. I truly do believe that all of our prayers were carefully put before His throne and He looked down and saw Ethan's purpose and his purpose was so much greater than all those prayers. And to me, that is pretty darn purpose-full. Or maybe Ethan's going Home was the answer to all those prayers. I just wish I could sneak just a glimpse of that purpose, but then again, that glimpse might be too much.
Such a thing makes us ponder God and all His glory, mercy, compassion, etc. Maybe that's the purpose, who knows?
I understand...a little.
Prayer is our way to talk to God. To tell Him what we think, what we need, what we want, what we're thankful for...basically, whatever we want to talk to Him about. He likes to talk with us. He wants to hear from us. He uses it to build our faith, encourage us, remind us, love us, listen to us. I know He hears me...that He listens. And just like any parent, He wants to help us, comfort us, be there for us. And I believe He CAN DO whatever He wants...but He does what we need and what's best for us and what's part of His plan that we can not see or EVER really get or understand. And really, as much as "no", or "not right now", or "never" or "maybe" or "yes, but this way" or even flat out "YES" HURTS...I want what HE WANTS for me because I trust Him enough to know that no matter WHAT I THINK it'll NEVER BE as good as He is. (Did all that make any sense???)
I've had some yucky stuff happen in my life and sometimes I can look and realize why- sometimes I can't...YET. Or maybe I never will. But I know that I prayed through EVERY SINGLE BIT of it, and God got the glory. That's what it's really all about...Him, not me.
AND SO- LOOK at how many people gave God the glory through Ethan! LOOK at the hearts who turned to the living God and BeLIeVeD!!! And do you know the day Ethan died, the count went over 5 million prayer warriors?
I keep thinking too WHY WHY WHY, 424 days??? WHY so many health battles were WON, why not this one? WHY was Ethan here for so long? Maybe we'll never know this side of heaven...maybe we're not meant to know.
And yes, we need to look at heavenly healing as an answer to prayer...I feel like it's God's way of saying that nothing here on earth will help anymore...and that He's the Great Physician that can take away ALL pain. We are so human, we have a hard time accepting that. He understands, but He knows what's best, even when it doesn't seem that way. I prayed diligently for earthly healing for Ethan, but it wasn't meant to be.
I've already felt a difference in my life from Ethan. I pray more specifically. I get on my knees. I also am starting to recognize that it's not worth sweating the small stuff...and it's all small stuff! And that our God is REALLY awesome. He loves us SOOOO much. He's hurting for Ben and Becky, too, I know He is...
So for the long post. I've been thinking too, and I miss Ethan already...
Powerful stuff girls! I think that its stuff like losing a baby that really puts our relationship with God to proof. I mean, how else can you say with all certainty that there can be some measure of comfort in even a child death? How else can we rest in a peaceful state knowing that the loss itself shows that God is greater than the world around us, and that He still has it all under control.
Ethan and his parents' faith has raised lots of questions for me in terms of the power of prayer and faith. I think its a good thing.
Rest well sweet Ethan.
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